The Librarian at Play

My lover gave me an early Christmas present. Something he picked up for a penny. The Librarian at Play. A book by Edmund Lester Pearson, printed in 1911. It made me cry. It's such a quirky little thing. I'm almost as fascinated by the cataloging details as I am the actual content. The binding. The repairs. (It was an old library book at S.U.N.Y. Geneseo.)

The index is the most amusing thing. I have the second edition. Here's what it says:

"Since the publication of the first edition of this book two or three readers have pointed out that it needs an index. By the addition of an index, they say, its value as a work of reference would become almost wholly negligible. Impressed by the force of their remarks, I employed expert aid, and the index now printed at the end of the volume is the result. It was prepared by Miss Narcissa Bloom, an honor graduate of the Philander Library School, and it may therefore be relied upon as the flower of modern library science."

Then, here are some of the best entries from the index. My favorite entries are those for genealogists.

Ancestor Worship, see Genealogists. 

Animals, library classification of, impossible, 170. 

Authors, Young, hectic vanity of, 8. 

Children's Librarian, nefarious plot against a, 141. 

Extra-illustrators, see Snippers. 

Feet, Pigs', not in public library, 85. 

Flippancy of librarian, deplored, 300. 

Goat, Wild, see Wild Goat. 

Gray Hairs, cause of, to librarians, see Genealogists. 

Highball, Scotch, as a life-saver, 36. 

Librarian, see also Children's Librarian. 

Misers, clinking habits of, 58. 

Nuisances, see Genealogists. 

Pests, see Genealogists. 

Scotch Highball, see Highball, Scotch. 

Telephones, slowness of, when librarian is waiting in rain, 29. 

Thorns in the Flesh, see Genealogists. 

Wild Goat, see Goat, Wild.

From 1906 to 1920, this author wrote a column called "The Librarian" for the Boston Evening Transcript, a newspaper that died in 1941. Ahead of its time in that way, I suppose, given the current climate for newspapers. (It was ahead of its time in other ways, though. It was the first major American daily to have a female editor in 1842.) I want to go find these columns and read them all now.

I've had to use the OED twice now to look up words and in one case was almost stumped. (You, too, can nerd out with this book. It's really quite humorous. Library stories.)

Anyway, I didn't know about cutting pages. What did that mean? From the book:

"As there were no gauges on the books about the Flemish Renaissance, I had no data to go on, except the fact that although she declared she had 'skimmed through' them all and found them 'very helpful,' she had not, so far, cut any of the pages. I did not mention this to her, as she might have retorted that we ought to have cut them ourselves. Which was quite true."

And it led me to this equally nerdy bit and subsequently here. Interesting to both of us, probably. I guess I'd assumed that cutting somehow meant making a copy of something and I was trying to conjure up what type of technology might be used to do that in 1911. But, no. It's referring to the unbound edges of a book not being cut open yet. How do these things get past me?

I guess I should have just asked him about it. Funny. And all this for a penny.

Oh Lordy. I'm 40.

Allergies. Today? Really? This is not the day. I am so behind on everything and have a paper to do. I do not have time to be this way nor can I function if I'm drugged. "Claritin clear" my ass.

Anyway... Today feels like a new day for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel optimistic and everything has this shiny quality to it. I haven't been drinking this morning, so I can only assume that this is coming from inside. I did turn 40 this weekend, so maybe that has something to do with it. Is it that? Is this what happens when you reach the top of the hill? Is there a shiny new world on the other side?

Maybe it's all the yoga I've been doing.

Maybe it's all the clearing out of clutter and junk that I've been doing.

Maybe it's that I can finally feel that this whole school thing is real and it is, indeed, about to be ending. At least the first stage.

Maybe I'm just in a post-laundry folding state of euphoria.

I wish that whatever it is that's making this morning seem like the best, most cracktastic morning ever (allergies aside) would also somehow affect the fingernail picking that I've been engaging in lately. Most of my digits are pretty much down to bloody stumps. If everything is so great, then why so nervous? Why so much anxiety? Why so fidgety?

I guess I'm just realizing that it's all going to be fine. There were times in my life when I was sure I wouldn't make it to 40. Many times and starting very early in life. Probably before most people even know there is a beginning or end to life I was either wishing for my end to come or constantly thinking it was about to. But here I am. So far away from all those moments. The further away I am, the better it feels. Time and distance really do a pretty good job of healing.

You know, I think part of my feeling today is that maybe I've just sort of given up a little bit. Given in. There's a lot of stuff that's up in the air right now and it's kind of been making me crazy. I think maybe this morning when I woke up, I just thought, "Screw it. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen." Maybe that's where this peace is coming from. It's silly of me to spend so much time thinking about things that may not ever come and that I mostly don't control anyway.

Relax woman. Just enjoy the peaceful damn morning. You're 40. You're at the top of the hill and you can finally survey your kingdom. Enjoy the view. Quit overthinking it.

Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs

Are those even vegan?

I decided today upon waking up that I changed my mind about 3 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of khakis. I'm keeping them. I can wear the ratty ass, too-big khakis with a belt around the house till they wear out and I will be in those jeans in literally 1 size down. What is that, like 5 or 10 pounds?

I've also decided today that I have lost my ever-loving mind. I could swear that the Sudafed permanently altered my brain chemistry or perhaps it's still floating around in my system somehow. I feel just crazy today. Granted, I did get a visit from Aunt Flo (or "Florence of your Labia" as boyfriend likes to call it) this morning, but usually that just makes me irritable and weepy. Perhaps it's because I've been feeling sick all week and I finally have some energy.

Here are the signs that I've lost my mind:

• More closet cleaning took place.
• I've been singing all day as if I'm in a musical.
• When not singing, I've been rhyming all my sentences.
• I'm making a carrot cake.
• I'm also making a chocolate cake with cookies and cream frosting.
• I went outside and did major maintenance on the worm bin.
• I've been skipping and hopping all day + robot moves.
• Cleaned out vegetable and fruit bins.
• Three loads of laundry + one of dishes.
• Watered everything outside (boyfriend is the waterer, I hate doing this).
• Said, "Ah, screw it," or other similar thing inside my head in response to many situations today.
• So busy doing stuff did not check for Mango update for my phone all day.

Too much for one post-sick day. Also renewed my newly-vegan.com domain, which means that it's been a year since I started writing about that. Which means that it's almost been a year since I went vegan! Oct. 4 is my anniversary. Need to take some time and reflect on all that. I was going to sign up to do VeganMoFo again this year, but the damn cut-off was yesterday which is way earlier than last year. Boo hiss.

Oh well, one less thing for me to worry about, I guess. Still, that kind of snuck up on me.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep chocolate cake is done says the oven timer. Now if only this carrot cake would cool so I could frost it!

Fast Forward on Clothes Purge

Well, since being back from camping, I've been plagued with allergies and what I think is the cold that I didn't really endure in full force when the boys had it last week. I've been a mess. Monday was spent mostly in bed, miserable, unable to breathe. Benadryl x 2 and it didn't even seem to touch it. I had to suspect that it wasn't just allergies at that point. Tuesday, I took some Sudafed and let me tell you, I understand just how they get meth out of that stuff. I'm overly affected by medications anyway (even Tylenol makes me drowsy) so I felt like I was losing my mind.

Today has been a better day, but I haven't been able to focus on much. I think there might be something wrong with my ears now. I feel really dizzy and when I move my head and stop my head, it feels like my head is still moving. When I close my eyes, I feel like I'm moving and everything that I look at has this vibrating quality to it. My chest and back are sore from coughing and sneezing so much. Still, my nose is mostly clear now so I won't have to take anything tonight but a nice steamy bath.

Since I didn't much feel like I could write in a very focused way, much less format everything all APA Style, I decided that I don't need clothes any more. I snagged 65 things out of my closet and they are on their way out of this house. Let go of some of my favorites. Got rid of some of the more disappointing pieces. Decided that I'm not spending a lot of money on clothes until I lose all the weight I'm going to or I'm ready to head back to the work force in an outside-the-home sort of way, but I'm not going to just keep buying crap, either. I'm so sick of shirts that shrink or fade after just a few washes and all this ill-fitting crap.

I've reached the limit of my focus right now. I'm really feeling so bizarre. I can't wait to feel normal again. I mean, you know, normal for me. Time for bed. At least now I'm down 65 items and that much closer to only owning 108 things. You never know what craziness an illness is going to bring. I got a cleaner closet out of the deal. I just hope that my lack of being able to see straight isn't going to make me regret some of my choices...

Camping at Mineral Wells State Park

Went camping this weekend with Jacob's home school group at Mineral Wells State Park. Boyfriend got the day off on Friday and we packed up the car with camping gear and off we went. It wasn't primitive camping or anything (although I'm leaning more toward wanting that these days) so we brought a mix of our old gear and new, lighter, tinier gear that fits in our lighter, tinier car after a shopping trip to REI earlier this month.

There was also a burn ban since basically the whole state has been on fire at some point this summer, so that ruled out any fun fiery bits and required all the electrical paraphernalia. We haven't settled on an alternate cook system, yet. I've been researching the freezer bag cooking method, though, and that appeals to me quite a bit since it eliminates the need for dishes and anything but boiling water. I have a dehydrator so can make a lot of that stuff myself. It's also a lot easier since going vegan since I don't have to worry about refrigerating dairy or meat things at all. I think the pocket rocket is the system that we will get just because I like saying "pocket rocket" and since the fuel cans that go with it are red, I can see a lot of "red rocket" jokes in my camping future. Here's a pic of me and the Zia 3 together:

We rented a shelter (number 9, number 9, number 9) and set up the new tent (which was pretty easy once we figured it out. We also set up the old tent, just in case anyone wanted to use it, although Haley and Jacob just ended up sleeping in the shelter and using that tent as a place to change clothes in private.

We hung out with other families in the group for a while after we got there, which was nice since we never really do much with the group over the summer. I hadn't seen several of them for quite a while so it was good to hang out and catch up. It's crazy how much everyone has grown up over the summer, especially the boys. They're all tall as trees now!

The kids went on a hike at the rocky area (Penitentiary Hollow) and me, boyfriend and Terri went down by the lake, skipped rocks and sat around talking till they got back. Then we headed back to our shelter and had smart dogs, chips, clandestine cocktails and whatnot for dinner. Terri and Sam headed home and me, boyfriend, Jacob and Haley sat around talking in the shelter and listening to raccoons fight outside. At one point they were up in a tree and boyfriend went out there with the flashlight. When he shined it up there, one raccoon bit the other and he jumped out of the tree. Inside the shelter we heard it hit the ground with a thud. Sad baby raccoon. Hope he's all right. Then I got cold and tired so we headed to the tent.

Here are things I have to bitch about for that night:

• Took me a while to warm up because I'm so cold-natured and also a big whiny baby.
• Tent was not on flat ground so I kept sliding off my mat all night.
• Forgot to put in contact lenses so had to go retrieve them from shelter and put those in under camping conditions (I use them to prevent corneal erosions at night).
• Jacob couldn't sleep, so woke me up with shelter door / light as he went to hang out at the dock below our shelter at 2:30 in the morning. Was OK, though, since I had to pee and would have gotten up 5 minutes later anyway.
• Cows started mooing. Not just mooing, but frantically mooing all night long. Except when they would briefly stop and then a really loud one would start the whole process over again. I have no idea what the deal was, but they were perfectly silent during the day. I think they were shut in trailers all night as part of some livestock show nearby. Boo hiss.
• Lots of Harleys going by on the highway.
• Allergies decided to kick in so had to take Benadryl.

I would add positive things, but I don't feel like it.

The next day started off nicely. Allergies were calm and despite my lack of sleep I was looking forward to camping coffee which tastes so incredible for some reason even if it's just crappy Folgers. This wasn't crappy Folgers, though, so it was pretty spectacular. We ate raisin bran (which is now banned from my diet due to gastrointestinal issues that have cropped up upon my return home) and rice milk for breakfast. A one-eyed squirrel came for a visit and boyfriend spent much of the day feeding him nuts and bread and getting him to eat out of his hand. Haley later got him to eat out of her hand, too. He was a pretty nice squirrel.

Betty and Susan from the group came and hung out down at our shelter for a while and talked and then Caitlin showed up, too. We sat chatting while simultaneously edging further and further out of the reach of the blazing hot sun, constantly adjusting and readjusting chairs and body placement. Terri and family arrived and we hung out with them for a while. David showed up briefly and dispersed hugs. They all left except Terri, so we just hung at the cabin for a while until they were finally able to cajole me into going to Penitentiary Hollow. I've been worried about my knee since the surgery, but it held up well. I felt a little bit of burn in my shin toward the end of the hike, but overall, pretty good. The tops of my thighs are sore today, but not so much that I feel like taking anything or eating bunches of bananas. Guess my therapy / exercise regimen is working after all.

While we were there, a woman was climbing and the things she was doing with her knees were pretty fantastic. She wasn't incredibly in shape or anything and it was definitely work for her, but that made it seem all the more attainable for me. I've got to get these knees strong so I can do stuff like that again. We watched her for a long time and gave her lots of verbal encouragement... clapped when she made it to the top and back down again. She thanked us for the support and her face said she was feeling good and proud of herself. I need more moments like that.

Just about everybody else in the home school group had only come for the day on Friday or had left by that point on Saturday or were getting ready to. Haley and Jacob stayed back at the shelter, which is probably good, because they made a second trip back to Penitentiary Hollow after Karen and her crew arrived. We made guacamole and had chips and salsa and hung out while they were out there.

When they got back, they long boarded and got on the bike a little as we engaged in the long process of figuring out the personalities of Sam, Michael and Terri which was quite a hoot. That makes the shelter 9 group go like this:

• Me: INTP
• Boyfriend: INTP
• Haley: INTP
• Ethan: INTP
  
• Sam: ENTP
  
• Jacob: INTJ
• Karen: INTJ
• Michael: INTJ
  
• Chris: ISTJ
  
• Terri: ?STP (half I / half E)

Poor Sam. The lone extrovert. How does he put up with us all?

Chris and boyfriend went to see if they could find Karen some hard cider, but lo and behold, this park is located in a dry county so nothing but crappy BMC beer could be found. She stayed sober while we had some beers. Well, I say she stayed sober... As darkness fell and we started to cook dinner, her allergies started to kick in full force, so she took first one hit and then later another hit of the old Benadryl.

Cooking dinner was punctuated by a never-ending flow of bugs. I literally was eating bugs, had bugs up my nose and bug legs stuck to my contact lenses. These were little bugs that looked like mosquitos but didn't bite. They were just annoying as all hell. And everywhere. And not at all repelled by bug repellant. Still, dinner was tasty. And full of unintentional protein. And probably not vegan as a result.

I suddenly realized that Haley would be leaving and so that meant Jacob would be sleeping alone in the shelter, so I proposed he go back and spend the night with Ethan and we'd pick him up the next day. That was met with wide acceptance from both boys since there is a complete lack of video games in the forest and also they haven't been able to spend much time together lately due to Jacob's school schedule which is pretty out of control this year. They left and then we took Sam's telescope and looked at the stars and a planet that was later determined to be Jupiter.

We were supposed to go on a spider walk that night, but missed it because we were busy doing other stuff at that time. We'd read about how the wolf spider's eyes reflect light and sure enough, on the way back to the shelter after star-gazing, boyfriend had the headlamp on and saw some little eyes in the grass and there was a wolf spider. Big old joker, too.

Before bed, I needed to take my contacts out and clean off all the bug legs and silt so grabbed my bag and headed up to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, a hundred million bajillion more of those little bugs were swarming around the lights creating a fog that obscured the mirrors. In addition there was a layer of dead bugs covering every flat surface. I left that bathroom and we drove to another camp area hoping that bathroom would be better, but this one had a light right in front of the door where I would have to walk through a fog of bugs just to get in or out. I opted for washing my hands at the camp site and then cleaning my contacts in the front seat of the car.

Other things to bitch about that night:

• Another night of allergies and Benadryl.
• Harleys on the highway.
• Cows mooing, but less than the night before.
• Corneal erosions x 3 but not deathly terrible ones that required my bootleg anesthesia drops.

The second night of sleeping was much nicer. We had the fly open on the tent (the whole top half is just netting) so we could feel the breeze and see the sky. We got to have some naked time since there was no risk of the kids coming out and getting an unwanted shock. It was cold the first night, but this night was just too hot for clothes. We had the fly open to the side facing the lake, so really, if anyone could see us, then they were too damn close to our camp site and deserved the eyeful they got. Although, for as close as this campground is to the highway, it's a wonder nobody saw us from there.

Anyway, the fly open was not great for my allergies but I was screwed on that account anyway, so might as well just enjoy the star-gaze in my antihistamine haze. I don't remember even falling asleep, we just kept talking until we drifted off, planning future camping trips and reminiscing about the squirrel.

In the morning, birds woke me up just in time to see the red sky and sunrise. Really nice. We got up, had some coffee and started breaking everything down and packing the car in a leisurely manner. When all that was done, boyfriend decided to take a shower before the journey home. When he got up to the shower, he found that someone had taken a dump in it and left their scungy boxers right next to it.

I went up to return the shelter key and told the park ranger, "Thanks. Oh, and by the way, somebody pooped in the boy's shower." She just looked at me deadpan and said, "Oh. Well, they'll clean that up."

Well, allrighty then.

We took a winding way home to avoid the highway and I checked in at random places along the way on Facebook. I've decided that I'm never going to check into another place where I actually am so I can mess up their data mining and get more interesting results in targeted ads and such.

On the ride home, we concluded that this was a fun trip since it was with friends and being so close to home made it possible for group members to visit during the day from the city. We also concluded that future trips that don't include other people will occur in areas farther from the city where there is not a highway nearby and there is no cell phone reception. I think that those things are probably enough to filter out the crowd of folks willing to poop in showers and bring us closer to a more conscientious type of camper who is willing to either pack it in / pack it out or use a shovel to bury it. It will also eliminate the issues with orange haze that hinders the best star-gazing and star-picture-taking and keep the confined cows and Harley crew a safe distance from my sleeping bag.

So, the bottom line is, I like camping, but I need to rough it a little more even if my allergies disagree with being outside. Next time, with a little more planning, I might make this a day trip on the way to a more remote spot. Socializing for the first half, getting away from it all for the last half.

Redux: I Just Don't Know

about this world sometimes... I mean...

I just don't know.

All this stuff is going on, and yet... my life goes on as is.

I still wake up every day to rush around so I'm not late getting J to school, not late getting myself to work. I still pack my day full of activities for the kids in my class. I still come home tired to rest for just a bit before it's already time for bed. I still have no money for the bills that keep coming my way. I still have a wedding to be in on Saturday and tons of things to do before then.

It's all the same here for me... and yet this thing, this catastrophic thing has happened. And I hardly have even a moment to sit and absorb it all and figure out what I feel... I hardly can sit and just take in the enormity of it all.

I feel almost nothing. I listen to people talking about all this, over and over. I see bits and pieces on the news in between going on with my life... making dinner and breakfast and making sure homework is done and baths are taken and teeth are brushed and medicine is taken...

I haven't had a chance to really wonder what's really going on or what's really going to happen. Is money going to get tighter? Are we going to start a war (finish a war?) Are things going to change in this country, the world? What does all this mean? For me, for my son, my friends?

I keep hearing unity, and I know that all the things that are feeling cliche to me are about that unified experience of an event, but I feel very little but disbelief.

I'm tired. I just want some rest.

--

This post was written on 9/13/2001