Oh Lordy. I'm 40.

Allergies. Today? Really? This is not the day. I am so behind on everything and have a paper to do. I do not have time to be this way nor can I function if I'm drugged. "Claritin clear" my ass.

Anyway... Today feels like a new day for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel optimistic and everything has this shiny quality to it. I haven't been drinking this morning, so I can only assume that this is coming from inside. I did turn 40 this weekend, so maybe that has something to do with it. Is it that? Is this what happens when you reach the top of the hill? Is there a shiny new world on the other side?

Maybe it's all the yoga I've been doing.

Maybe it's all the clearing out of clutter and junk that I've been doing.

Maybe it's that I can finally feel that this whole school thing is real and it is, indeed, about to be ending. At least the first stage.

Maybe I'm just in a post-laundry folding state of euphoria.

I wish that whatever it is that's making this morning seem like the best, most cracktastic morning ever (allergies aside) would also somehow affect the fingernail picking that I've been engaging in lately. Most of my digits are pretty much down to bloody stumps. If everything is so great, then why so nervous? Why so much anxiety? Why so fidgety?

I guess I'm just realizing that it's all going to be fine. There were times in my life when I was sure I wouldn't make it to 40. Many times and starting very early in life. Probably before most people even know there is a beginning or end to life I was either wishing for my end to come or constantly thinking it was about to. But here I am. So far away from all those moments. The further away I am, the better it feels. Time and distance really do a pretty good job of healing.

You know, I think part of my feeling today is that maybe I've just sort of given up a little bit. Given in. There's a lot of stuff that's up in the air right now and it's kind of been making me crazy. I think maybe this morning when I woke up, I just thought, "Screw it. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen." Maybe that's where this peace is coming from. It's silly of me to spend so much time thinking about things that may not ever come and that I mostly don't control anyway.

Relax woman. Just enjoy the peaceful damn morning. You're 40. You're at the top of the hill and you can finally survey your kingdom. Enjoy the view. Quit overthinking it.