Mamarati

Funky Funky Limbo

2010-04-15T14:35:00.005-05:00

Texas. I don't know why I'm here. I mean, I do know, but I wish it wasn't so.

I don't like it here too much. Especially during times like these past couple of weeks where I'm miserable from allergies. You know, there aren't very many nice days that happen around here... where it's a temperature below 100 degrees or above 30 degrees and things are green and pretty. But on those few very nice days -- the four weeks of the year when it is either spring or fall -- you can bet that the pollen or mold counts will be so high that there's no way I could possibly enjoy myself.

And how did anyone ever grow anything in this state with its lack of rain and burning sun? I've given up on spending $700,000 a month on water to get one tiny jalapeno out of the ground. I know I don't have the greenest thumb in the world, but when I lived in Arkansas, practically any seed I stuck in the ground would produce for me without much effort. I don't like gardening here.

I don't like the state of public transportation, bike trails (or lack of), how everything is so spread out and you just about have to have a car to do a damn thing. I hate how the sprawl goes on and on yet none of the cities are connected by public transportation.

Sometimes, though, I think if I had a better yard... one that had some trees that shielded the yard from the burning sun. Shielded me from the burning sun. Maybe if I didn't even have a yard and didn't have to go out and partake in futile gardening tasks I would be less disgruntled.

Sometimes I think, maybe if I had just a little more room in this house or a little less stuff in this house or if all my kitchen cabinets would stay closed at the same time... then maybe I would be a little more content and I could quell my desire to move far, fast away from here.

Or maybe if there wasn't that situation with my partner that causes me to be on egg shells and not live my life as fully as I'd like. Maybe if that was all rectified I would be happier and so it wouldn't matter where I was, because all would be right in my world instead of... in this limbo.

Suspended between two places in my life. Two worlds. Not really leaving. Not really arriving. Just, suspended.

I'm a prisoner in my bed

2010-02-20T18:22:00.004-06:00

I'm going bat shit insane in this bed.

I was at the end of healing period number 2 (after getting a meniscus tear in my knee) and went down the back step and totally screwed my knee up again. I've got to get someone out here to fix that back step now that I know it's what has been the death of me.

Feral cats. They know I'm about to start rounding them up and cutting out their reproductive bits. I blame them. Out there in the back. Just beyond the step. Calling to me. Being so cute and hungry.

Guess when I can walk a decent distance again I'll have to go around the front...

At any rate, now I'm looking at what? Another three weeks tied down and not moving? I seriously don't think my stomach can handle much more ibuprofen... And I am just so not good at taking help around the house. I mean, it's not to say that I don't want any help around here... it's just that it's frustrating for the things that I'm so used to doing that I take for granted. And it's hard to ask for stupid little things like a napkin or a drink of water or whatever... but all those steps add up. And at the end of the day, if I don't ask for some help with those things at least some of the time, I'm in so much pain and I'm quite literally exhausted.

In other news, I found some powdered sugar at Central Market that is organic and uses tapioca starch instead of corn starch. I told Jacob and you'd think I'd won the lottery instead of just found some corn-free food. We have been reading the labels on powdered sugar for a long time, though, so it is quite a find. Also, called on the new Cinnamon flavored Chex and there are no ingredients sourced from corn. The fructose is made from honey and fruit. He ate them this week and no reaction.

Final thought: Not a bad time to have an injury that leads you bed-ridden. Plenty of Olympics action to keep me occupied...

Whilst I was away voting...

2009-11-03T19:12:00.001-06:00

Okay, so while I was out voting, I left Jacob here at the house. Here is where I vote, (and I was the only person there) and what Google says about how to get there just so you know how long it took:

"Driving directions to Fort Worth Fire Station 24
0.8 mi – about 3 mins"

When I got back, I was greeted with a startled look and, "That was sure fast."

Upon walking into the kitchen, I noticed that the door to my baking cabinet (where I keep stuff like sugar, flour, vanilla, baking soda and whatnot) was slightly ajar despite the fact that I have not been baking today.

And then I was hit with the very strong smell of vinegar.

Knowing what I know about our science experiment today (Newton's third law of motion) and its inclusion of balloons, it doesn't take me long to conclude that in the very short time it took me to vote, my son was making baking soda / Vitamin C powder and vinegar grenades.

He must have heard me pull up in the driveway and rushed to clean everything up because there was vinegar all over the counter.

And now I know why children lack the capacity to pay attention to very small details like closing a cabinet or wiping a counter completely or neutralizing strong smells. It's so that parents can catch them when they're up to no good.

So, I asked him what he'd been doing while I was gone. He was all, "You know, just my history lesson and stuff." And stuff... Yeah, that's his way of pretending he's not lying to me. Later if I press him, he can say something like, "But I said 'and stuff' so I wasn't really lying, I just didn't tell you what the stuff was." He has a deep love for the loophole, that kid.

But not so fast, little man. You turned 14 on Sunday which means two things: You've been around long enough to know better and it's been at least that long since I fell off the turnip truck (and apparently turned into my mother, nay, my grandmother with that line).

So, I ask him... "What stuff?"

Blink. Blink. Blink. BlinkBlinkBlink.

I can see his wheels turning, deciding whether or not to out himself and face the consequences of his actions... He's like a deer in headlights, so I give him an indication of how bad things will be if he decides to lie (hoping I have no evidence against him)... "What's that smell?"

He knows I have him dead to rights and he tells me what he did.

A lecture on trust, truth, chemical reactions in the absence of goggles / an adult and stuff ensues... I leave it at that for now.

All I can say is at least I was down at the fire station in case he tried anything hefty... but don't worry, I keep the thermite and matches locked up. Ha.

For the first time in my life

2009-06-12T16:01:00.004-05:00

I ate an apple. I have never done this. I am no fan of the apple, my friend.

My kid, on the other hand, loves them. So, I buy them for him.

I don't know what it is about the apple that bugs me so much. The texture is definitely part of it. But even when I try to swallow apple juice it makes me hurl. Literally hurl. It's the same reaction that you see when someone on a reality show is trying to eat a live scorpion or something. It's just NOT going down.

I haven't the foggiest what possessed me to suddenly want an apple today. I've been sick lately. Yesterday evening I started to feel like I was on the mend, but this morning brought more nausea. So you wouldn't think I'd want to eat something that's been proven to make me sick in the past. And yet, there it was: a completely undeniable craving for an apple.

It wasn't bad, either. I almost couldn't taste it at all. Weird, but at least I can say I've done something new today, no?

Now that that's overwith, I'm going to lay back down. This illness thing is strangely like an on-again, off-again hangover complete with weakness and headache. Except minus vodka fun time.

Which reminds me... did I mention that I had an asthma attack the last time I drank vodka. We'd been drinking Dripping Springs, since it's local and all but then their plant blew up and we can't find it around here. So we decided to try Tito's a few weeks ago, which is also local (and a great price at Costco) and I took one sip of my drink (using the same ingredients I always use) and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe and had to use a rescue inhaler.

Crazy. So, boyfriend has been drinking it and I've just been staring at it apprehensively in the freezer. I'd like to have a little cocktail this weekend if I'm feeling better since the boy is at camp but I'm not going to chance it with the Tito's.

What on earth would it be in there that would cause that?

Sickly

2009-06-11T13:32:00.004-05:00

Ugh. I'm feeling so weak today.

Yesterday I was puking all day. Slept for hours and hours. Just stayed on the couch for the most part, dozing. I'd start a show on the Tivo and would watch for about 5 minutes before I fell back asleep.

Then the cat would get on me. And then I would have to get up to throw up. And she'd look at me like, "How dare you take my warm and comfy spot away!"

I am not feeling as sick to my stomach today, but it's an effort to just move around. I feel like my muscles are operating at about 10 percent of their normal capacity.

So much for enjoying a little bit of a break while my kiddo is at camp.

Worm Bin(s)

2009-05-13T14:38:00.006-05:00

My worm bin is going astonishingly well.

I have a history of trying new things and then letting them fizzle out. I guess I'm one of those people who likes to try things and then once I've mastered it or become bored with it or figured out its flaws, I move on to the next interesting thing on my list.

This worm stuff is really captivating me, though. I thought, I'm going to just start a small bin and see if I like it...

So I found some plastic containers at Wal*Mart (or is that Walmart* now?) that are from completely recycled plastic. They're about 2 feet by 1 feet with a depth of about 8 inches maybe. I got three of those. The way they nest leaves enough room that I figured I could adapt them into a pass-through system. I drilled some holes in one for ventilation, drilled some in the bottom, too, for liquid and then nested it inside another one.

I added shredded newspaper and got a couple hundred worms from the pet store, added some coffee grounds and let them go. They were quite lethargic coming straight out of the containers, but once I put the coffee grounds in, it was like magic. They squirmed their way straight to it. I guess they'd been pretty hungry at the pet store. I started adding mushrooms, tomatoes, melon and other goodies and they've tackled it all.

I went last week and bought some coir bricks and added some of that in for bedding and they really like that. It's been there for 2 days and already I'm finding lots of cocoons dispersed throughout.

The moisture level has been interesting... There's always a bit of moisture on the lid and the newspaper stays wet, but nothing has leaked out of the drainage holes so far. No worm tea for me. I read somewhere, though, that it's better to have a drier bin than a wetter bin, so I'm not messing with it. I think that the moisture from all the food I add must be plenty. I haven't had to spray or add water at all, so far.

Now that I know I can do this and not kill everything, I started a second bin. I grabbed about 1/3 of the worms from the first bin along with the layer of coir that has most of the cocoons and loaded it with some celery, coffee grounds and tea bags from yesterday. I'm going to try it without the drainage holes for now and see if I can maintain the moisture level on my own. The bins are shallow enough that I can see what's going on and I've been checking on things daily, so I'm not too worried about that.

Problems... There are some little white things alive in there and they are especially fond of the cantaloupe and tomatoes. I put some coir on top of the tomatoes where they were going crazy yesterday and today I found the majority of them dead. I don't think they're anything harmful, though, so I'm not worried too much about that.

Fruit flies... Well, the worm bins aren't actually responsible for this, but I'm a little bit worried that the fruit flies might get in there if I'm not careful. What happened is that I'd had some oranges and lemons on the counter for a while because I'd been meaning to make candied peels. I did eventually get around to it, and when I did I dropped a few peels on the floor after blanching them. I threw those into the trash can instead of the compost bucket because I read that the worms don't like citrus too much.

A few days later, I hadn't taken the trash out and there was a little swarm of fruit flies hovering around the trash. OMG they are so friggin' annoying! Anyway, I got most of them out by making a cider vinegar trap but I saw a couple hovering around the bin today. None inside, but I guess they can smell things through the ventilation holes.

The smell has surprised me. I keep thinking there's going to be some putrid rotten smell, but it's mostly the smell of wet dirt mixed with wet newspaper. The only day I noticed anything different was on melon day and it was just a sweeter smelling dirt smell. Lord help me when we've got ripe cantaloupes from the garden. Hopefully the population will have increased enough to handle the waste, because Jacob and I can eat some melons for sure.

Overall, I'm quite happy with this undertaking. If it continues going well, I might want to expand it even more to handle the garden, but not sure how feasible that is with the Texas heat. My house is too small and I don't have a shed or garage to house any bins. I'm wondering if I can just do them outside if I do it at the sides of the house where there's shade and insulate it with some hay bales or something. Not sure. Will have to do more research. Also have to think about those raccoons who love to mess with my yard enterprises. (Better keep your roundworm off me, Raccoons!)

I once had a pond and they would get in it to get my fish and trash my water lilies. They like to eat worms and I'm sure it would take no time at all before they'd figure out how to get some worm bins open. When they were trashing the pond, I tried to trap one. I got a trap from the city and put it in the side yard with a big meal of goulash inside. A raccoon got trapped and I called the city to come get him. Before they got here, however, he started making all sorts of awful noise and another raccoon showed up and sprung him from the cage.

They're too smart and I'm too lazy.

Now the pond still sits there, except for the past couple of years I've been tossing food scraps into it. It's closer to the house than our actual compost pile which is located at the back of our property. We had a problem with some poison ivy a couple of years ago around that pile, so I just started tossing them into this drained pond and watching bugs and mother nature do their thing. The birds love it. Sometimes things sprout and grow and it's interesting to have around.

We have seen other worms in this "pond" and I threw a few of my red wigglers in there last week, so this may be a testing ground to see what the temperatures do and what sort of environment they can survive and thrive in... Maybe I'll adapt the pond a bit for some serious worm growing. Maybe enough will survive the raccoons to make it worthwhile.

F12

2009-04-28T11:54:00.003-05:00

That is my dashboard. I have a Blogger widget. Why can't I just use it?

It used to be so therapeutic.

Cat has my tongue.

Screw it.

Swine Flu. It bugs me when they label these things in such a way that people become paranoid and think that they're going to die if they eat a pork chop.

When it's flu season, I worry about my kid with his jacked up immune system and his asthma. Then there's this. Chances are slim he'll get it, but we are in Texas... Still, he's home schooled. I work at home. Contact opportunities are fewer. So, I don't worry about it. I say, "Hmmmm, Really?" when I hear it's hit another person or another country. But I don't worry. Yet.

I read something the other day, too, about how it's healthier people who die from these types of flu. Perplexing, except it makes sense the way they explained it. If you have a superhealthy immune system and a virus comes along and says, "Hey immune system, I'm going to need you to very aggressively attack your own lung tissue," then someone with an awesome immune system is going to get a much more vigorous response to such a request.

My kid, on the other had, has an immune system that will respond like, "Hey virus, I'm tired. I'm doing all I can just to have allergies over here. Maybe I can deal with you later."

Or something like that.

--

In other news, we have an angry (or horny, haven't quite figured out which) male cardinal attacking the house and all mirrors in close proximity. Our neighbors have a nice thick coating of bird poo beneath their car mirrors. He hangs on the side of their car and just pegs the mirror over and over. Then he hits my bedroom window. Then he hits the kitchen window. All day long he makes his rounds. He's driving the cat insane. I don't know how he has the energy.

--

Fire ant bites are still killing me. They itch. One of them was near my nail bed and I messed with it and ended up getting infected. It is so incredibly painful for such a small thing. It's been a week and still they bother. I'm officially declaring war on them.

The widget doesn't scroll. So if you write long, then you can't see the post button or what you're typing without moving the widget. Come on Blogger... The dictionary widget scrolls.... you can, too!

Jacob is almost finished with this semester of school. He's going to Texas Tech University's ISD. Well, he's not going, but rather it's coming here. So far, so good. He's learning a lot and the format suits him. But more on the awesomeness that is homeschooling later.

Back to work.

Home Again

2009-03-23T13:19:00.004-05:00

Been out of town for a week. Looking at azaleas. Resting a bit. Letting the boyfriend and child have their spring break. Not much of a break for me, though it was a much bigger break than I intended since once we arrived we found there was no Internet.

Just when I was getting caught up, I'm behind again.

Top that off with jury duty starting tomorrow morning, bright and early.

Ugh.

But whatever. It's spring and I'm fired up. I'm excited about new directions at work. I'm excited about doing things in the yard. I'm excited about the end of one semester for the boy and the start of a new one. It always seems like spring is the start of a new year for me, rather than Jan. 1. Everything feels new right now and I love it.

And as always, I'm happy to be home. I like to travel and whatnot, but really, nothing feels as good as here.

Finger agility

2009-03-10T13:43:00.004-05:00

There's a thread going on one of my homeschooling lists about video games and how they help with things like finger agility, handwriting, brain - hand coordination, etc.

Interesting. Someone said something about testing the theory by letting her kid play PS3 for half an hour before doing things that required handwriting on some days, and on other days doing the half an hour after the handwriting. On the days PS3 was played beforehand, handwriting was better. Someone else confirmed that piano playing did the same for her kid's handwriting.

So, needless to say, there's an experiment afoot in the Brown household. One timed and tightly controlled half hour of video games is going down right now. You should have seen the look on his face when I said, "Hey, I need you to run and play video games for half an hour, OK?" Ha!

Part II: writing a friendly letter summarizing what he's read for his lit class (Adventures of Ulysses).

Let's see how this goes. Because I'd love nothing more than to say that something my kid loves to do anyway is helping him write more legibly.

The best part about homeschooling: Even if it doesn't work, it's the trying part that makes it worthwhile and fun.

Related: For work, I need to write about some of the things that I used to do in my toddler class to get them ready for writing, like playing with playdough, using clothespins, etc. There's so much homemade stuff you can do to improve fine motor control.

Maytag Refrigerator Recall (FIRE!)

2009-03-10T11:53:00.004-05:00

I'm at the Maytag site trying to see if my fridge has been recalled because of a fire hazard. I tried the phone line and it was too overwhelmed. Now it looks like the Web site is, too. Just keep getting errors. I love it when a company can't just put the damn model numbers in a list so I can find out myself. No, they have to have some automated, high-tech solution.

That doesn't work.

Really, just a list would be fine.

It looks like if it is recalled they have to come to the house to fix it. This would make the 5th or 6th time that someone has been out to do something to this fridge. Ugh.

Coarse Vermiculite

2009-03-10T00:23:00.004-05:00

I Twittered earlier that I'd found course vermiculite. Thanks so much to Boyfriend for pointing out my spelling error.

I don't even think sometimes when I'm writing in places like that. It's so unlike me and yet I find it hard to will myself into caring.

I'm getting old. I'm too tired for all that proofreadin' and book learnin'.

Anyway, anyone in the DFW area -- give your local feed store a try for COARSE vermiculite. Mine is selling 4 cubic feet bags for $20. I picked up three bags and that's all she wrote for me and vermiculite. Granted, I know that I don't have to keep replacing the vermiculite and peat moss like I will compost, but that initial investment still hurts.

And I don't care if it's doesn't end up making up 1/3 of my mix. It's close enough and what's lacking I will just make up for with compost. Nothing a little compost can't fix.

I'm excited about all this. I feel like this is the first year I'm really doing it right and putting together something that's for the long term.

Yard and Garden Plans

2009-03-08T23:34:00.005-05:00

So, once upon a time, a friend of mine worked at the mall. And he saw someone from the Gap or somewhere throwing out this gigantic red table. And so he had a truck and loaded it up and brought it to my house. And it's been in our back yard for 4 years now.

Until today, that is. The table eventually started falling apart, fading and becoming the white trash eyesore you would expect at my house. Bulk trash pickup is this week, so we finally got it (along with some other crap) to the curb.

Now that the table is out of the way, my garden plan can begin. I'm planning on doing three 4x4 foot boxes a la the square foot gardening method. My soil is pretty bad since there used to be horses on this land. They tamped everything down and it's all stickers and weeds back there for the most part or I'd just garden in the soil God gave me.

It's very sandy, too. The first year we had a garden, we had to add tons of compost and manure to the soil. Once we did it went pretty well. I mean, the veggies grew. I did not, however, get out and weed much. It was so hot and the weeds went crazy in between the rows. With square foot gardening, the plants are all close together and contained in a box so there's less weeding. I'm all for that.

I've got an 18x12 area plotted out (only part of that is the boxes) so I figure that's 216 square feet that will be sticker-free this year. If I can do that every year (with a few perennial beds, trees, etc.) then perhaps I can conquer the whole damn yard and have it in good shape for the distant day that when we may sell or rent out the house.

That's many years from now, but I realized the other day that we've been here a while. This will be our 5th summer. Hard to believe. It really does fly. And we haven't really done too much to the yard except let stickers grow and trees fall. Granted, I have lots of excuses all lined up. Here they are:

Summer 2005: We moved in that June. My brother blew up my car's engine and didn't do anything to help pay for that. I bought a friend's car at $850 per month for 6 months. We were broke from paying deposits and buying new appliances, moving costs and whathaveyou, so no money for a garden. We did plant some herbs in the back flowerbed, though. The rosemary from that summer threatens to take over the entire house today. If you live in Texas and can grow nothing else... grow rosemary.

Summer 2006: We planted a garden. Things grew, but weeds grew faster. It hardly rained and our water bill was out of control. Hand watering that thing was a joke it was so big and spread out. We joked about the one pepper that we harvested... it was the million dollar pepper.

Summer 2007: This was right after I fell off the roof. I dislocated my elbow, severed my main artery and had to have bypass surgery. I was in bed, cracked out on pain pills and in a cast for months. Murphy's law, of course, meant that tons of rain fell that year while I lay in bed crying that I couldn't get out in the yard and do anything about it. I was also mourning the loss of my goldfish pond. Damn raccoons.

Summer 2008: I was so disgruntled about the year before, I barely even cared to look out the back window at the yard, much less get out in it. As far as I was concerned it could just grow into a gigantic orgy of stickers like it so desperately wanted. Screw you, yard. You are not my friend.

Although, I did plant a few tomato plants, peppers and basil in pots and they did all right. I do love having fresh basil. I turned the pond into a compost heap.

This year, though... I'm going to do it right. I'm going to use less water, pull less weeds and get some fruit from my labor.

I plan to plant my boxes like so:

tomato	tomato	tomato	tomato
jalapeno	jalapeno	basil	basil
green onion	green onion	green onion	green onion
carrot	marigold	carrot	carrot

corn	corn	corn	corn
green bean	green bean	green bean	green bean
celery	celery	broccoli	broccoli
chives	marigold	cabbage	cabbage

cantaloupe	cantaloupe	peas	peas
oregano	cucumber	cucumber	mint
thyme	basil	basil	mint
parsley	marigold	tarragon	tarragon

I may move some of the herbs out of there that wander... I've read that they can take over your entire box if you let them. And since they're pretty much perennial around here... I might not want them taking up box space all the time. My mint, for example, lasted a few years until we planted some salad burnet next to it, not knowing how ginormous it would get... and it killed out the last of the mint.

I have a couple of odd containers that might work for herbs. One is this gigantic barrel thing. It's on an elevated metal frame and a guy who lives a couple houses away was going to make a smoker / grill out of it, but never got around to finishing it. So, we dragged it down to our house. It's been next to the red table for several years now. I think I'll line it with something (it's a little rusty inside) and then plant some of the herbs that like to sprawl like thyme in there.

Then I found one of those hay feeder stands in the wayback and I can line that with coir fiber mat and soil and plant something in that, too. Both tacky tacky options, but this yard deserves nothing less. It's kind of like this one, except older, iron and not as big.

Also, we noticed that the unknown fruit tree has flowers on it this year... maybe that will mean fruit. I think the next door neighbor said it's a plum tree.

A Clean Slate

2009-03-08T16:19:00.005-05:00

Ginormous sigh of relief.

Sometimes... you just have to start over.

I've found that trying to collect my entire being in one spot was getting cumbersome. So, I've archived all of those bits of me in a special place and now I'm starting over. I've been feeling very scattered for a number of years and just wasn't sure how to pull myself together, but now I realize I should have just started over to begin with.

Of course, I'm not talking about my life or my self or anything like that. I'm just talking about my blog. :)

I'm ready to start talking about things in my past in a different way anyway, so it's just as well that I'm starting fresh.

Time. It's on my side. Yes, it is.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, boyfriend is out in the yard cleaning up for bulk trash pick up day. I should go help.

From the Archive: Greenish Living

2007-09-20T23:45:00.002-05:00

This post is from my blog archive. Originally posted on Sept. 20, 2007.

So, I need to write about this more, because it's been pretty consuming for a long time. And off and on throughout my life since the first time I heard about dolphins swimming into six-pack rings as a child or watched the commercial of the Native American dude crying about the litter. I grew up in Oklahoma... Trail of Tears, y'all. Making Indians cry is not farkin' cool.

Living more green. And stuff. Not just green, because that's the fun, crazy buzzword of the day. But other stuff, too. Stuff that may or may not be green or good for the planet, depending on how you look at it. Stuff that people who know me say is just part of me being a hippie. But I was born in the '70s, so technically no. But yeah, OK, a little bit.

Part of all this for me is not just doing things. Or just thinking about things. Or just always avoiding things. Or just always choosing things over other things. Or feeling guilty about doing one thing over the other thing. Or realizing that the way I've been doing things is quite possibly all wrong. It's about all of that, sure, but it's more than that. And I think that there's a side of it that you miss when you read TreeHugger or watch An Inconvenient Truth. And there's a side of it that you miss when you're briefly contemplating "paper or plastic" at the grocery store.

And it's that part that I want to talk about. Because for some people, it's not a struggle. At all. But those people are different than me. And they live different lives and have different dispositions and they are not me. I applaud anyone who lives a perfect, green life and does so without a struggle. But I'm not talking to you people. And I don't want to hear any of your condescending comments about the various shades of green that exist in my life. And I do not want you to compare what you do to what I do.

I'm not that worried about it, though. Because there's not anyone out there who lives that kind of life, though many will pretend that they do.

The crazy thing to me is that, on the scale of green, if you put me somewhere on it along with all the people that I know personally or meet on a daily basis or live in my neighborhood or my city or my state... I'm pretty green. Take Austin out of the state and I think I'd be very high on the scale. But there are so many days when I don't feel green at all. This is where the struggle comes in. The struggle of knowing. Knowing I could be doing more and being too tired / poor / lazy / whatever to do it. The struggle of knowing that there are a lot more steps required before I can do some certain thing I want to do.

Meanwhile, just how green am I considered to be according to Internet memes?

National Geographic's Eco-IQ test

#1 Yes, we recycle. The test says "very few municipal recycling programs accept plastics other than those labeled #1 and #2." I guess I'm lucky. My city takes a whole slew of things, including plastics 1 through 7 and every color of glass, too.

#2 Yes, we switched to CFLs. Though, this was not without some resistance. I didn't really care that much about it and really hadn't thought much about it. Then our friend David talked about how his dad was nuts for the CFLs and about how good they are for the planet. I believe actual statistics were used. This is funny to me, because while he certainly doesn't drive a Hummer or melt ice caps, David is not a card-carrying hippie. I would say he sparked (ha) this conversation on several occasions and my boyfriend kept up the argument that he didn't like the way the light looked. I hadn't researched it so couldn't say. Then, we're at the store and boyfriend wants to try the CFLs. I think we bought one pack that day. And we tried it in the closet and the back room. Woooooo. Like it was some big trauma or something. Now I think we have them in every socket that will take a bulb except for three spots.

Spot #1 is Jacob's room. This is going to take a fixture change. The antique hangy down glass bowl and chain contraption doesn't allow enough room for the bulb.

Spot #2 is in this square stained glass lamp that has variable light settings. I guess the CFLs don't work so well with that.

Spot #3 is in our bedroom where there is a dimmer thing on the ceiling fan lights. We never really use those lights anyway. We just use the lamps which have CFLs.

I know that there are CFLs that dim, because boyfriend will look for them on just about every shopping trip to anywhere with a lightbulb aisle. They never have the ones we need. I have no idea why he has not just bought them online, though I imagine it has something to do with money. (This is another struggle we are frequently met with. Being green is not always cheap. And we are not always rich. In fact, we never are. This reminds me -- I can't remember which sensibility the CFLs appealed to first -- cheaper electricity or not killing the planet so much?)

#3 This question is tricky -- "If you drink takeout coffee or tea, do you bring your own mug or use a disposable cup from the cafe?" I guess the "if" part applies. Takeout coffee is a rarity these days. We're almost completely off of it except when on vacation. At any rate, regarding this, one thing I do every single day is get up while boyfriend is in the shower and make him coffee to take to work. (Mental note to self -- Write about "Acts of Service") And he takes it in a cup that he brings home every day after work to be washed and used again. And despite the fact that this cup sucks so incredibly bad, we do not buy a new one. We just keep using the same cup. Over. Over. Over again.

#4 Yes, I use the dishwasher instead of doing dishes by hand. At least most of the time. And thank goodness. I'm a horrible dish washer and always let the water run so long when I'm rinsing. Bad. I mean, I can run out a whole tank of hot water on a day's dishes doing it by hand. WTH? Not so with the dishwasher.

#5 Green Cleaners. This is one of my worst areas, quite easily. Although, I would say that most of the cleaners I use are very simple. I don't use a lot of compound cleaners that have lots of ingredients like 409 or whathaveyou. I use very diluted bleach and water once in a while. I use a hot warm washcloth (sometimes soapy, sometimes not) and some elbow grease for most things. I don't use aerosol stuff like scrubbing bubbles or Easy-off. I use Ajax or Comet on the toilet and really, I have no idea how green either of those are. I use Murphy's Oil Soap on the floors and furniture. We use Windex.

I try to stay away from anything that has a strong smell or perfumes. Jacob and I are allergic to lots of things and more and more these days I find myself itching and wonder if it's laundry. My boyfriend is getting more and more annoyed by things that smell. Thinking that buying a "green" cleaner can be deceptive in this area for me since I'm allergic to coconut and many "natural" cleaners are made from coconut. Not all of them cause me problems, but some do. Now, finding that my son is allergic to corn of all damn things, I'm wondering what that means in regard to cleaners. We were using Bio-Kleen for a while, but it faded our clothes in just a few washes and left this residue all over everything. I think it was making me itch as well. We used the Whole Foods 365 powdered detergent and it did the same thing. We used Ecover liquid for a while, but I don't remember why we stopped using it. I think it was making me itch. Now we're using dye-free / perfume-free / sensitive skin Tide and so far no problems. It says it contains no phosphates, but I know that labels can be deceptive. (Like when foods say they are "natural" and that means exactly jack and squat.) I use Eco-Select biodegradable dryer sheets that contain no perfumes or dyes and they are made of paper. (Not recyclable, but compostable paper.) So far, I really like these. I just found them a few months ago.

In the bath, we use things that may not be green, but they are free of parabens and most other chemicals. I use Dr. Bronner's for my body and use Aussie Cleanse and Mend on my hair. This is the combination that seems to be causing me the least amount of itching lately. (Give it time.) I don't know what my boyfriend is using right now. He's always changing it and looking for the most paraben-free and other chemical-free stuff. He reacts to all that (both mentally and physically - haha), especially deodorant. We both use Naturally Fresh Deodorant. I could write a whole entry about that stuff and the difference it has made in both our lives. And I am so not kidding. It's the best deodorant I've ever used. Simple and amazing, that stuff.

#6 We use tap water. Sort of. We were using Ozarka Spring Water in giant 2.5 gallon containers. Not the little bottles, because we were trying to go for less packaging. The problem is this... we didn't want to use bottled water, but our tap water tastes pretty bad. I don't like water all that much and I certainly didn't like this water. Most of the spring and summer, there is this algae that gets in the water and makes it smell so bad. Last year when we had less rain and the lakes were low, it was so bad I could hardly brush my teeth with it. So, we used the Ozarka. My boyfriend was doing more and more reading about it and struggling with what he was finding, though. Less about packaging, because we recycle it, and more about transportation costs. It's bottled nearby, which makes it somewhat better, but again, he was struggling.

In the end, we bought a filtration system that is small and effective (under the sink) and while I'm concerned about the footprint of the filter, I'm less concerned about it than all the packaging of the Ozarka. I need to do more research about the filter before its year is up... although it looks like there might be a recycling program for it and if not, I can at least compost the carbon. More to come on that...

#7 Aerators on faucets. Not at all. We have an older house (a greener choice in itself) that didn't have the aforementioned dishwasher or room for one under a counter. So we opted to get a roll around version that hooks up to the sink. This type of dishwasher has to have full power and a special converter nozzle thingymajig that hooks on to the faucet.

In the bathroom, there is the shower. I should let my boyfriend (or any other human being who has been a guest in our home) talk about the shower as I can take it or leave it. It is not aerated or low-flow or any other such modified thing. It is pure, unadulterated, old school power. We have to warn people to guard their genitals with this thing. Ouch. I struggle with this one in my mind. My boyfriend doesn't struggle with it at all. Or he might struggle with it very quietly. All that probably disappears about 9am when he gets in the shower for what he describes as the best part of his day. I believe that once I manage to figure out how to recycle the grey water on the plants / compost pile (maybe using the old pond pump?) then I will not worry about this as much. Especially since, according to this test, aerators will only "cut water consumption by up to 6 percent."

#8 "When you go shopping, which should you choose? Paper or Plastic?" says the test. Neither, here. For a long time, I used my own string bags. Then I tried to make a habit of only shopping for things that I could carry out. That helped me control waste, too. Then I fell back into using the plastic bags when my son was small, as I used the bags for things like containing his diapers when we were out so they could be washed later at home. I would also use them for smaller waste baskets. Then they started to pile up and one day I woke up and had an entire closet full of them. I passed the problem on by using those bags to pack and give away a ton of things to Goodwill. For a while I was just throwing them away. Ugh. Ugh.

Recently, I got sick of that particular struggle. Finally. Again. Now we use the big blue reusable IKEA bags when we go to the store. I bought 6 of them for .59 each and they are giant and should last a good long while. It's not the best solution, but it's the best solution for me right now.

I do ask for paper bags when school starts, though, to cover textbooks.

#9 "How do you get to work?" says the test. This is an interesting one and maybe it will demonstrate a little bit of how the hippie process works around our house. I work at home. I do this for several reasons. I like working at home. I like having a flexible schedule so I can spend time with my son and my boyfriend. I need time for school (which is also done completely from home). I HATE DRIVING. And more than that I HATE PARKING. Part of hating driving has to do with using all the gas and putting out all the emissions and such. Also it has to do with hating traffic and wishing we had better public transportation. Part of hating parking has to do with hating parking lots (which could be greener spaces if we all drove less and had better public transportation). That's some of my rationale. I've had a couple of jobs that required a lot of driving. Both of them lasted about 2 months. I have moved more than once to be closer to jobs. Most of my jobs have been from home or within 5 miles of my house. Two jobs that I am considering when I'm done with school are less than 5 miles from the house.

When we bought this house, a huge factor had to do with how close it was to my boyfriend's work. It takes him about 5-10 minutes to get to work on a road that isn't congested and he chooses to go to work at a time when traffic is low. If public transportation were available, I have no doubt that he'd take it. You may hear about how our city made it to the #5 spot of worst traffic in the nation and most time spent in your car in traffic, but that's not what we do every day and it's very much on purpose.

#10 I do not think we purchase renewable energy. I will have to ask boyfriend about this... I know that we both strongly desire a solar system that will power our house and put electricity back into the grid, but that's expensive stuff. We talk about it frequently, however. And dream.

And now, another meme -- It's UK-based, but I adapted.

Your energy score is 27% - the average is 2%

Your water score is 49% - the average is 3%

Your rubbish & shopping score is 58% - the average is 3%

Your transport score is 68% - the average is 3%

So, that makes me feel pretty green, no?

And then there's my Ecological Footprint...

Food = 4.7 acres

Mobility = 0.2 acres

Shelter = 2.5 acres

Goods / Services =1.7 acres

Total Footprint = 9 acres

In comparison, the average ecological footprint in your country is 24 acres per person.

Worldwide, there exist 4.5 biologically productive acres per person.

If everyone lived like you, we would need 2.1 planets.

So, I'm not doing as well as I think. So, I struggle on. And I should talk about it more. Because it's a lot of my life. It's a lot of our life.

Boyfriend added to this later, saying:

7. Water:

There is an aerator on the bathroom sink.

9. Transportation: my five-year-old car is a LEV (Low Emissions Vehicle) and yours is a ULEV (Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle). ULEVs are about 50% cleaner than the average new car. The next standard is SULEV, which — you guessed it — means Super Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle. In congested urban areas the exhaust coming out of a SULEV's muffler can actually be cleaner than the ambient air.

10. We do not purchase renewable electricity. We will probably switch at a time of greater financial stability since it is (significantly) more expensive and because the green power companies don't give me frequent flyer miles.

Morningstar Sausage Patties

2010-04-03T22:49:00.002-05:00

Morningstar sausage patties can spice up some eggs but man do they make me have some unpleasant burps.

Anybody else or is it just me?

5-Second Rule

2010-03-07T18:37:00.003-06:00

I am totally ADD today. I just fed the cats out back, started to fold some laundry, made a cup of tea that I left on the kitchen counter, and then came in here to start tackling my email problem.

Truly, the tea should be in here with me, no?

I shouldn't be sitting here writing this. I should be tackling that email issue. The problem is that so many PR people write to me and it just clogs my email box. I can hardly see what's really important half the time.

I'm thinking about instituting a new, 5-second rule. If I look at your email for 5 seconds and it doesn't call out to me or I haven't gotten the point yet, then I'm just going to chuck it.

Life's too short.

Of course, I'm not talking about friends, family, etc. I have all those people filtered and color coded to grab my attention... I'm mostly just talking about PR. I'm so glad that's not the world I live in. I think I'd be a ball of stress every day.

Time to go get that tea... headache building.

So far, so... whatever

2010-01-05T16:30:00.002-06:00

New Year's Resolutions.

They can kiss my ass.

Not really... but there's always a couple that I put on there knowing that it will never happen. Like this journal thing. It used to be such a joy. Such a necessity. Now... whatever.

After an incident with boyfriend, though, I know the reason why I find writing here more of a chore. I've been looking for this reason for years now and we had our first major blowout after vacation and it became abundantly clear. HE is the reason. HE is why I don't write. Because there we were in this awful place and I felt like this vulnerable, over-emotional, out-of-control creature who'd been cornered and couldn't find a way out. And HE was the problem. And so all the processing, talking it out, venting and everything it is that I do to stay sane in this world and figure out my way was stripped from me in an instant. Because HE is my partner in all of that. He's my sounding board. He's my voice of reason.

And he shut me down and told me he didn't want to hear what I had to say.

And I felt this wall going up between us. And I started to withdraw and retreat away from him. I just went completely internal. And the first thing I thought about how to handle it was, "I have to process this. I have to figure this out. Why am I feeling all this emotion? Why am I feeling so overwhelmed? Why am I flipping out? I don't do this."

And I realized that I couldn't tell him any of the stuff I was feeling because he was the target of it all. And so the next thing I thought was, "Fine, then I will write about it if you don't want to hear it."

And then I realized that HE is why I don't write. Because he is to me everything that my journal always was. This space was all the things I would have said to someone very close to me, very intimate. It's the space where I always worked out my deepest thoughts and emotions. It's where everything in its most raw form could be chunked out and mulled over. He is who I share that with now. And I don't have to think as hard as I used to. And I don't have to worry as much. And I don't have to over-analyze everything anymore. Because it's so complete... more complete, of course, than ever it was when I was writing in paper books to just myself in the echo chamber... but even more complete than it was when I was writing to an audience who sort of knew me.

Because he really knows me. He sees it all. There's scarcely anything that I hide from him and the sort of vulnerability that I feel when I reveal some raw part of myself is a safe sort. I don't worry about it because I'm comfortable that he's not going to reject me due to anything I think or feel. It's okay that I'm strange and different and that I don't do things in expected ways and that I think odd thoughts.

Until the other day... then it was scary because I felt rejected and abandoned. And my emotional fight-or-flight response kicked into overdrive and in my mind I was packing my bags and cauterizing my wounds and steeling myself for the road ahead. And I was fully ready to come back here with guns blazing and spill my guts and do the hard work of picking up the pieces.

But, alas, it was a gross overreaction to frayed nerves and sleep deprivation and after some time and tears and some well-chosen and well-timed words, all is well again. Like it never happened.

Truly, like it never happened. Which is also such a strange thing for me. I have been wronged in the past quite severely and though I've moved past those things, I still hold grudges. In relationships, I slowly build a database of wrongs and have instant recall of every record at all times. At some point, there are just too many records for me to carry on and the relationship has to end. At some point, there are so many records that my face just contorts into a look of disgust that can't be hidden any more.

But there are no records here in this relationship. The first argument that we had, I remember what happened. I remember being upset and driving down the street to be alone with my thoughts and keep him from seeing me cry and be angry. I remember this. But I do not remember what it was about at all. I have tried before to remember... we both have. We laugh about how pissed I was and how it was all some misunderstanding, but neither of us can pinpoint the exact thing that was said or done. This flies in the face of every other argument or fight I've had with anyone... because I can remember everything. Minute details like what the weather was like, what I ate that day and what people were wearing, as well as every single thing that was said and done.

And this thing, while bigger than that thing, I will probably remember because of so many context clues that exist, but the crazy part of it is that I am not holding onto it. I did not make a record of it for future recall. I am not angry about it any more. I do not feel the alarm that I felt then as I began to analyze what I thought was taking place between us.

Crazy and wonderful.

In another way, though, when it comes to journal stuff... I feel like it's great that I'm having this awesome relationship with another person who I'm so connected to, but then I realize that I'm not having the same relationship with myself any more... I'm not taking care of myself in the same way. I'm letting him do that for me. Which feels great now, but then if something ever happened I'd be devastated, wouldn't I?

But what kind of relationships was I having before where I was always reserved and guarded and never gave of myself fully so that I could always protect myself? Or even those where I gave a lot of myself but only the worst bits... Ugly, no? Why did I even bother with all that?

--

I meant to write about resolutions and how I'm always screwing them up before the first week of the new year is over... Guess I will do that later. Time to make dinner.

Stuff That's Always with Me

2009-07-03T12:28:00.003-05:00

These are the things that are pretty much always on my person.

Pictured: Natural Chapstick, Burt's Bees Chapstick for color (only makeup I wear), piece of crap phone, keys, library card, visa, amex, gamestop card, drivers license, Nintendo DS, glasses, hair tie.

Worm Bin: Soldier Fly Larvae

2009-07-03T12:31:00.002-05:00

How on earth did I get so lucky?

I've been noticing these big black things that look like a little wasp or yellowjacket -- except all black -- flying around my worm bin when I go to add their ice and scraps. I'm allergic to all manner of biting and stinging bugs, so it's been freaking me out.

A few days ago after I added some old strawberry tops, I noticed an bunch of grubs in the bin. And I was thinking, how on earth do I have grubs in here because I started with a completely clean bin and have added no yard waste to the mix. At any rate, these grubs were going insane on the strawberries. I started to think that maybe this was the end of my worm bin...

But alas, what I've got are soldier fly larvae. And they are used to do their own bio-composting and some say they are even more effective than the red wigglers.

Some bonuses:

Soldier flies don't bite or sting
They aren't carriers of pathogens
They only live a few days in order to breed and lay eggs
They generate heat (so my worries of having a freezing ass bin in the winter, thus killing the wigglers, are over)
They take months to hatch in winter (thus ensuring a heat source all winter long) instead of the normal weeks
They won't kill the red wigglers
They will eat all the excess food the wigglers can't handle so I can continue to load the bin
They eat the things that the wigglers don't like as much (citrus rinds, avocado peels, jalapeno seeds, garlic and onion peels) and they do it very quickly

This is just the jam.